On Friday, the New York Times posted an article entitled Single, Female, Mormon, Alone, by Nicole Hardy. The article discusses Ms. Hardy's personal experience as an unmarried adult in a community where celibacy before marriage is strictly enforced. I found the piece to be a poetic and poignant vignette, and not unlike stories I have heard from other single or gay Mormon adults.Ms. Hardy compares her experience with enforced adult celibacy as "remaining a child in a woman’s body". This characterization, together with her related experiences with "daylight dates" reminded me of various posts on Ward Gossip that poke fun at the infantilization of Mormon single adults.
I have a hard time separating the "Law of Chastity" doctrine from the prevailing Victorian notions of female purity. "Licked cupcake" lessons and admonitions to women to avoid being "walking pornography" combine in my mind with the sexualization of children. A particular testimony meeting comes to mind where a woman discussed returning Christmas gifts for her toddler girl. The toddler had been given a tank top dress. The woman bore her testimony of the importance of modesty, even from a young age.
Non-celibate Mormon leaders tell the faithful LGBT member to remain celibate throughout her life, in the hopes that she will be resurrected "with appropriate attractions to the opposite sex". How ironic it is for a married father of 5 to tell others to eschew a life of love and fulfillment! And what is the consolation prize? Why, the promise of becoming straight (or a TK Smoothie)!
And don't forget the religious rhetoric against masturbation, or how it can lead to homosexuality. If an average 10% of individuals are gay, what did the other 85% of masturbaters do to avoid the curse?
So many ideas crowd together in my mind that I am left wondering if there is a way to effectively teach premarital chastity without objectifying women, or demonizing the body. How much my opinion has changed from my days of being a practicing Catholic or Mormon. I no longer think that sexual repression is a key to a healthy premarital relationship. Instead, I see an over-emphasis on modesty and sexual self-control as unhealthy mentally and physically. Surely a chaste life of repressing all sexual expression is antithetical to happiness.
Like Ms. Hardy, I believe our bodies are meant to be lived in.
10 comments:
Ms. Handy's piece led to an interesting discussion with a colleague. Three major insights come to mind which I'd like to write about to a greater extent.
1. He is a single man in his fifties living in Utah. When he goes to a restaurant alone, people assume he's waiting for a party and don't seat him. They also say, "It's so sad" that he doesn't have anyone.
2. He believes that women in Utah have more body issues than elsewhere due to the unreasonable to marry at an early age. If one isn't married, the reasons are tied to physical appearance because they are confident in their spiritual selves and not encouraged to develop in other areas as men are.
3. Just as hyper-masculine men brutally rape lesbians with an attitude of "she'll like sex with a man once she has it" in some cultures, Mormon women have a hyper-empathetic, self-effacing attitude toward gay men. Raised to be nurturers and support for their husbands, they take upon themselves the responsibility of standing by gay men and with it the emotional failures associated with not being able to heal.
(That last point requires more development on my part, but I'm teasing it out over time. Let me know if I'm crossing any lines, have any suggestions).
I wonder if this is related to Utah being 51st in mental health....
I've also noticed that delaying sexual activity past one's mid-twenties has a negative effect on socalization and emotional development. I wrote a blog post related to the topic a while ago. The post has an interesting and controversial comment thread.
Basically, the idea I developed is that the benefits of sexual abstinence follows an age-based sliding scale. Guidelines that are appropriate and helpful for a fourteen year old are not advisable for an unmarried thirty year old.
I remember that old saw from seminary that your body is a temple, not a visitor's center. Cheesy as it is, I agree with the sentiment, but moderation is called for. You could equally say that when it comes to adult sexuality, your body is a temple, not Fort Knox!!! People actually go to the temple. You need a couple of interviews and a background check, but then you're good to go. :- )
Fantastic, MC.
I've a BIL who is 30 and for the first time seriously dating a girl. His parents are very excited for who they are certain is their future daughter-in-law and can hardly contain themselves. Often comments arise about how their son "better not be having sex" and all I can think of now is how this man is THIRTY YEARS OLD.
He's not a child, he's a man. Leave him alone, already. Let him make his own decisions--personal decisions nobody else but he and his partner should be privy to. Married or not.
Before, I would've been part of the conversation. Now I wonder if I should bite my tongue or not. It's just not--to use their language--"appropriate" to judge what a man ought or ought not to do behind his own private doors.
Absolutely they are placing him in the position of a child and not an adult. Apparently one is not an adult until they marry.
My previous comment got eaten. Should I repost it?
Found it - fished it out of moderation. Sorry about that!
All good thoughts, everyone. I like when the comments yield enough thoughts in my brain for a whole new blog post!
GMB - No lines crossed, so don't worry.
For (1), I think society in general has a problem with letting people be happy "alone". I'm reminded of the video that was circulating a few months ago on being alone. Being without a romantic partner has a pretty big negative stigma associated with it in general, and if you are living in Utah!! OMG!
Generally speaking, I think people need to learn to be happy and comfortable in their own bodies. I think women in particular have been really browbeaten into thinking that their existence on earth really requires that a man be in it. I frequently (usually) hear women couch things in terms of "until I get married" or "preparing for marriage." I think that people in general would be happier if they focused on what would make themselves happy, rather than perpetually looking towards the day when someone else will fulfill them.
I hope that makes sense. I've been meaning to do a blog post on this topic. Thanks for the reminder.
For (2), I can definitely see body image problems being associated with the early marriage rate. I'd be interested as well to see what the infidelity rates are in places where people marry early. I don't know as much about men and their overall development being stunted by lack of marriage. I am sure it is, though. Can you elucidate on this idea a little more?
In my experience, many "older" (read as, 30-ish) unmarried Mormon women tend to think they are physically unattractive, but also have issues related to long-term plans for their lives (namely, they can't make them without a man involved, and so many decisions could affect their "prospects").
In particular, I am thinking of a friend whose dream was to be a vet. But when she finally got into vet school at 26, and still wasn't married, she really struggled with the decision. She could see how it could hurt her "prospects" to have vet school debt when she got married that her husband would have to shoulder once they started having kids and she left her career.
For (3), I think I need some expansion on your thoughts on this one. Although I understand what you were going for in terms of similarity in type, I don't think the parallel with gang rape of lesbians is an appropriate comparison. The gay man isn't really hurt physically and emotionally in quite the same way by a woman's nurturing him out of her own need to be loved. I also don't think most women in that situation think that if they nurture a gay man enough, it will "make him straight". What I can see, though, is a sort of codependent relationship, where the straight and single woman thinks that the gay man will "settle" with her. In which case, they are both (gay man and single woman) setting themselves up for heartache in that situation.
MoHoHawaii- Basically, the idea I developed is that the benefits of sexual abstinence follows an age-based sliding scale. Guidelines that are appropriate and helpful for a fourteen year old are not advisable for an unmarried thirty year old.
I agree with this. I also agree with your humorous but apt statement that the adult body is not meant to be Fort Knox. One of my purposes in linking Donna Banta's site (Ward Gossip) in the post is to draw attention to the fact that LDS Church leaders have an irritating tendency to treat ALL single adults as though they are still in YW/YM. Its as insulting as it is unrealistic. A woman in her early 30s who owns a house, has a successful career, and manages employees simply cannot be considered to have the same degree of sexual responsibility over her body as a 13-year-old. To be more direct, stop directing 30-year-olds to the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet! We aren't "youth" and its insulting!
Lisa- Apparently one is not an adult until they marry.
Not in the Mormon Church you aren't. I will admit, some wards are better than others. In particular, our single's ward wasn't too bad with this stuff. Er, at any rate, I didn't see it as that bad. I think the Single Adults (i.e., those over 31 and unmarried) had it far, far, far worse than the young single adults (<31 and unmarried).
Let people be grownups for crying out loud. And get the hell out of their bedrooms.
GMB: in all honesty, your friend sounds like a bit of a jerk.
1. I have been going to restaurants alone for the better part of 30 years, all over the world, including Utah, where I currently live. I never have any trouble getting seated. All it takes is a certain amount of confidence when you approach the person who will seat you. You make eye contact, raise one finger and say, "One." The host/hostess picks up a menu and seats you promptly, every time.
2. Your friend also says, If one isn't married, the reasons are tied to physical appearance because they are confident in their spiritual selves and not encouraged to develop in other areas as men are.
If he thinks this, it's because he's not actually talking to women about their relationship to their bodies--or their sense of self with regards to their minds.
I can guarantee you, it's not single women of any age who have so many procedures that Utah is the plastic surgery capital of the US. It's the ones who had so many children so quickly that their bodies seem worn out to them by the time they're 35, so they get breast enlargements and tummy tucks.
GMB, is this guy straight, and does he actually talk to women, or just about them?
re: 3: You are right that the rape of a lesbian by a straight man is like a gay man marrying a straight woman, in that both in cases the needs/desires/goals of the man, straight or gay, are more important than the happiness or well-being of the woman.
What's different is that when a lesbian is raped, she doesn't participate in her own victimization in the same way that a straight woman who knowingly marries a gay man participates in hers.
If women weren't taught that the happiness of their husbands is more important than their own happiness, they would be less likely to marry men who can never offer them a genuine marriage, or to stay married to men who cannot make them happy.
GMB: in all honesty, your friend sounds like a bit of a jerk.
1. I have been going to restaurants alone for the better part of 30 years, all over the world, including Utah, where I currently live. I never have any trouble getting seated. All it takes is a certain amount of confidence when you approach the person who will seat you. You make eye contact, raise one finger and say, "One." The host/hostess picks up a menu and seats you promptly, every time.
2. Your friend also says, If one isn't married, the reasons are tied to physical appearance because they are confident in their spiritual selves and not encouraged to develop in other areas as men are.
If he thinks this, it's because he's not actually talking to women about their relationship to their bodies--or their sense of self with regards to their minds.
I can guarantee you, it's not single women of any age who have so many procedures that Utah is the plastic surgery capital of the US. It's the ones who had so many children so quickly that their bodies seem worn out to them by the time they're 35, so they get breast enlargements and tummy tucks.
GMB, is this guy straight, and does he actually talk to women, or just about them?
re: 3: You are right that the rape of a lesbian by a straight man is like a gay man marrying a straight woman, in that both in cases the needs/desires/goals of the man, straight or gay, are more important than the happiness or well-being of the woman.
What's different is that when a lesbian is raped, she doesn't participate in her own victimization in the same way that a straight woman who knowingly marries a gay man participates in hers.
If women weren't taught that the happiness of their husbands is more important than their own happiness, they would be less likely to marry men who can never offer them a genuine marriage, or to stay married to men who cannot make them happy.
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