I am happy that Mr. Curie's family has been so accepting of him, both in terms of his being gay and his disaffection. I am glad that, aside from Mom crying a lot and the brothers making bad jokes about gays 24-7, things are good. I am glad that I wasn't blamed, and that life is continuing.
But at the risk of being ungrateful. . .
I am a little sad to be collateral damage in this process. I did not want to come out about Mr. C's being gay this trip. I supported (and do support) my husband in this decision, but I knew that I wasn't ready for it. The whole process has set in motions wheels of change - if not in actions, then certainly in attitudes - in his whole family towards me. I was not ready for it, and didn't want it. Mr. C talks about how good he feels to be honest and open, that he is coming from a place of integrity and authenticity. But in exchange for his good and honest feelings, I've paid the price in being the recipient of pity, probing questions, uncomfortable confrontations, and weirdness. Most of it isn't too intense, but given my previous, entirely comfortable relationship with my in-laws, it makes me a little sad that I have to go through all of this - and without the benefit of authenticity myself.
This is where I am going to rant a little. Mr. C has argued that I wanted them to know about our disaffection, and that this is just the next step. This is true. However, I have been asked to moderate my actions so that I am not showing any outward signs of heterodoxy. No mentioning of issues with the Church - "We don't want to be seen as being 'anti' or reverse prosyletizing". No breaking the WoW in any form that we might get caught. No being caught shopping on Sundays. And any clothing that is worn must be temple-appropriate. (I'll admit, this last rule has been my sticking point. I associate the temple garment with patriarchy, oppression of women, and all of the reasons that I originally became disaffected with the Church. To act as though I am wearing the garment feels like the height of hypocrisy in this process). Of course, I don't want to make a stink and wear clothes that will affront my in-laws sensitivities either. Still, it just seems a little unfair for Mr. C to claim authenticity victory while I am feeling so hypocritical and worn down.
I'm not mad at anything specific Mr. C or his family have done. Indeed, they have all been amazing loving and supportive and great and wonderful. Its part of what makes my hard feelings in this so difficult. I feel like a brat for feeling the way I do. Like I need to just shut up and let Mr. C have his day of hard-won authenticity. I am trying. But, I do feel bad things. Lonely. Sad. Some guilt, some depression, some worry for the future. And a lot of hypocrisy and hiding.
"Go along to get along," I guess.